ThIs Is A sToRy..

Sun, 14 Mar 2010 01:59:01 GMT

I wish God would just give me the answers to things in life. It's too hard trying to figure it all out alone. I wish God would at least just give me the exact time and day that I'll finally get what I've been wanting all these years. If I could at least know what day that falls upon, then all I'd have to do is coast until it happens.

Why can't life come with an instruction booklet?

Le Bored.

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 08:37:03 GMT

I am pretty much bored, hence the last post.

Le Tired

Thu, 14 Jan 2010 08:32:56 GMT

I hate that I wish bad upon him..wait..no I don't.
I hope his marriage fails and his house burns to the ground, and he loses custody of his kid because he's a terrible father and a terrible significant other.
Hey, Karma's a bitch...and he deserves it.

Reflecting on Memories

Wed, 30 Dec 2009 07:58:37 GMT

I've been debating lately if I want to send a birthday card to Cody's parents for Cody's birthday. His birthday is January 15th and EVERY single year I sit there and say I'll send him a letter, even though September will mark an entire decade since he left this Earth.

I debate this every year and think to myself to do it and then I never do. Mainly because I can only imagine how hard it is for Cody's parents. I dont want them to take this the wrong way. I dont want them to think I'm being disrespectful or that i'm trying to be funny. The loss of their son is no joke. I pray that I would never have to go through their pain of putting their child in the ground. What a selfish jerk I am.

But as his 22nd birthday approaches, I so badly want to send him a birthday card to let them know that Cody is never forgotten with me. I figured this would be okay because it would remind that what they fear most is not true, that Cody is not a forgotten casualty.

I have so much to say to them but how do I decide how to fine tune my words? I want to tell them that there is not one day in the past 9 years that I haven't thought about their son; that he is my hero. That he inspires me every day and that without him, I would never be who I am today.

Growing up with him I hoped that him and I would fall in love and have a family. I just always assumed he would have grown up into a handsome young man and maybe he would fall in love with me the way I knew I loved him. We understood each other, I loved him as a caring friend as he did for me. I loved being around him watching Disney movies, quoting all the lines, playing Lego's and Playstation 1. I guess you could say Cody was my first love. I had known him since birth. I wished for some sort of fairy tale romance between the two of us throughout our childhood. Although we never kissed or anything of that sort, I had hoped that he at least wanted to, as I desperately wanted to. I'll never know if he ever felt the way I felt, but him and I had a connection, even if it was just as friends.

I have many memories of Cody, good and bad. But there will always be a select few the year of 2000 that I know will stay with me forever and have shaped me and changed my life forever.

I remember when just hearing of Cody's coma, my father came in my room and told me what happened. My dad hugged me as he cried saying "Cody's going to see Jesus soon, Nicole." I had never seen my father cry like that. When I went into his room, Mark, a family friend, was sobbing. I had never seen such a macho tough guy cry the way he did. I tried to be strong. I never shed a tear until after his funeral, when nobody could see me.

The last few moments I have were when he was in a coma, and I came to visit, I grabbed his hand and his mother said "Cody, Nicole is here. Say hi to her if you can hear me". And in that moment, he squeezed my hand. He couldn't move a single muscle in his body for three days, but in that moment, he was able to muster up something to be able to know I was there, and respond. That moment, was one of the greatest moments of my entire life. It showed me he was a fighter. Something I already knew, but it made me admire his courage and strength even more.

Even in his last moments, I begged my mom and dad to let me see him, but they didn't want me to see him the way he was. I knew what was going on. His eyes were bugged and he was gurgling. You know someone is about to die when they gurgling. I was always relieved that they kept me from seeing him in his last moments because I didn't want to remember him like that, but I wished I could have been there to the very end. I know he would have been there for me in my last moments, or at least wanted to.

I certainly would not tell them all of this. They have their own memories and I have my own that involve Cody. But I do want them to know that I think of him every day. I will always remember what he taught me and shared with me. I know him and I are linked for life in our own special way. I only want to remind his parents that he is always in our hearts.

Sometimes I wish it would have been me instead of him. For years I questioned why it had to be him. Why couldn't it be me? I never want my parents to go through that pain, but I would have if it meant saving him.I know now that it had to be him because God only needs his best Angels up there in Heaven. Cody was an angel on earth. During his time, he used his medical condition to talk in seminars about his experiences and brought so many people to God. He didn't sit around and mope. He stayed positive and laughed throughout his life.

This is why he is my hero, and my angel.

Dancing in the Dark.

Fri, 25 Dec 2009 09:27:26 GMT

Last night we opened presents and my mom got a calendar from my sister with pictures of my nephew (her grandson)..and she raved and raved about it. I think I could've bought her a new car and she would have liked the calendar better because it was pictures of her grandson.
Now that's fine and dandy, but I feel like I didn't get her anything comparable to that. I mean I don't have kids nor do I have a husband to give her a grandchild. I'm pretty sure if I did have my own kid they wouldn't oogle and google over them like they do my sister's kids because my kids are not the first grandchildren. I'm afraid when I get to the point of having kids my sister will have popped out 3 and the thought of grandkids are old to my parents. I'm afraid that by the time I get around to fun things in my life, it will already be said and done and nobody will care. I only think this way because of how I see my sister's in laws treat their kids and grandkids. I know my parents don't think that way but a little part inside of me can't help but suggest the idea. I'm not sure how to take this, but it only emphasizes the fact once again that at 22 my sister was pregnant...and here I am, 22...and not even a prospective husband.

Ya I shouldn't compare my life to my sister's, but how do you not do that when you want all the same things that she's experiencing now?

I am ready to be "New Again"

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 10:02:28 GMT

Today has been exactly one year since I have not been with Dustin.
I'm amazed at how much I have changed since that fateful day.
I can say that it is for the better.

Just recently I ran into Dustin and his son and fiance. It was at Red Robin. And although I recognized his car, I kept telling myself it wasn't him, all the while having an extremely bad feeling about it all.

As they went to seat me and Robert, I saw his son. He had changed so much since I last saw him. I didn't even recognize little Aidan. I saw the back of what looked like Dustin's head, and a girl facing me with bleach blonde hair and stunning eyes. I knew immediately it was Amy, the fiance. The girl that Dustin had an affair with when him and I were together.

The irony of all this is that just that morning, I was telling my mom I wonder what I would do if I ever came face to face with Dustin. I told her although I would want to rip him apart, I would quietly walk away.

And I did just that. A year ago, I don't even know what I would have done. But that day, I did what I said, and said what I meant. At first, I felt so angry upset and confused. But Robert really helped me through the situation. He is such a great person. He is so giving, and supportive. He really did help me through that night.

So as I mark and remember this day exactly one year ago, I remember the person I have become in spite of all this. I am a million times better off and new person because of it.

I am very thankful for the support of family and friends I have to get me through my hardships. I am truly ready to be New Again.

Goodbye, my almost lover.

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 07:42:55 GMT

I wish I wasn't haunted by the hurt you put me through, Dustin.
I hate you with every ounce of energy that I have in me.

Le sigh.

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 07:31:57 GMT

I think I like where my life is headed. =)
I will only have to drive in a dark tunnel for a little bit longer in order to see my end result; light at the end of the tunnel.
It may only take a few years, but "i'm ready"

Seeing Red

Sun, 20 Sep 2009 10:07:49 GMT

Working with pmsing girls suck

I never wanted to see you unhappy, I thought you'd want the same for me.

Fri, 18 Sep 2009 10:19:43 GMT

I wish I could just turn back time and erase all the stupid mistakes I've made.
They make me who I am today, but I hate living with the constant reminder of all my mistakes.

This past year has been a blur. A fast paced yet drawn out blur. So many people have come and gone. So much pain and anguish has been exposed. I have a better grip on things, though. I finally know what I want to do with my life, and I'm not so neurotic about finding "the one" and getting hitched asap.
However, sometimes I wish I could just start over.
Maybe not start over, but maybe treat certain jobs over. Realize after the first meeting that a guy wasn't for me (instead of wasting a year only to experience the worst emotional pain I had ever felt in my life). I wish I would have chosen my words correctly. I wish I could have realized the people around me before I spoke.
This is what my past year has consisted of. Internal pain and anger.I can't ever forgive OR forget what happened with Dustin. The anger's subsided for the most part, but I feel its right there and I can't get it to leave me alone. The constant reminder of his engagement with the woman he cheated on me with weighs heavy on my heart. I still don't feel like loving any man because of it.
I just want the answers in front of me. I just want to peak into the future and see if the things I've asked and prayed for all my life will come to me. If all the anguish and pain in this unfinished life is worth it. Something is telling me it is but I just wish there was an assurance. I have none of that.
I have today.
I just want sleep right now, as this post is being made on horrible sleep deprivation..

Dear LJ

Thu, 13 Aug 2009 07:46:54 GMT

I have had you for 5 years as of November 1st.
Happy birthday.

Okay. Band Meeting.

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 08:04:18 GMT

"A lesson learned is a priceless gain as long as you can take the sting."

Affirmative.

Mon, 29 Dec 2008 07:49:34 GMT

Aaron was right. Flight of the Conchords is a very good show.
Too bad we only get HBO for the next few months...but just in time for the new season!!

I never thought I'd have such an affinity for Kiwis. =)

Numb.

Thu, 25 Dec 2008 09:32:08 GMT

I woke up this morning to the sound of my iPod touch beeping....telling me I had an email.

I had such a weird dream last night. I don't remember it very well. Just remember in my dream I was laying on the floor crying and sobbing that I deserve a man, and a family, and to be happy the way my sister is. At one point I thought that I was really crying, but It was only in my dream.

The whole day I conquered my inner anger. I kept working myself up about how Dustin did what he did to me...and then the second i'd finally calm myself down, the same thoughts would pop in my head.

I'm so hurt and angry by what he did that I fear I can never trust anybody again. I fear for my next relationship. I fear my inability to trust now will be a huge factor in the future with men. I don't feel like I can ever ever ever EVER trust a man..EVER.

At this point, I can never forgive, and I will never forget what was done to me. I feel I will forever have a jaded heart..never to be given to another man again. Never to be healed by the grace of God. Never to be softened of finally releasing the anger that I have running through me.

At this point...I'm numb.

"I will not lie to you, but I definitly only gave you half the truth.."

Sun, 07 Dec 2008 19:42:19 GMT

Well, kids. Sometimes when you think you got things figured out, life smacks you in the face with a brick.
I found out a few days ago Dustin had been cheating on me since at LEAST September. This is not hear-say. I SAW the disturbing evidence with my own eyes.
And to be honest, I was not that shocked. I had my suspicions which lead to me finding out this little nugget of information.

I wasn't truly shocked that he had the capability to cheat, but just the fact it was done to me. I never gave him a reason to. And even in the beginning of our relationship I told him "If you'd rather be with someone else, then break up with me and go see whoever you want. There's no need to cheat."

Well, I honestly believe that me knowing that he cheated is closure for me. I'm doing suprisingly well. The way I see it..I cannot change the fact it happened. But at least there's no doubt if he did or not.

When I found out, part of me was half sick, but half relieved. A weight lifted off of me. I knew I could finally be free now afterwards. I knew that after that day, I can now wake up and not cry at how 'miserable' my life is.

But now, I know it's not. It's only beginning for me. I am extremely happy I am not with him and his drama. And if we got married? And then I find out he cheated?! I would have been miserable married to him.

He is this other girl's problem now. If he cheated on me, he's willing to do it to her. And her knowing we were together when this happened only puts in the wrong as well.

They will both get thiers...and I will be the happy and healthy one coming out of this.

Therapy.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 08:37:59 GMT

So I met with someone a few weeks ago about anger. I briefly gave her my events within the past six months. She advised that I write out a letter to get my anger out. Not necessarily to give to this person, but just for theraputic reasons.

So...here we go...

Dear Ex-Boyfriend,

We have been through so much. We had a great run. For a while, I actually convinced myself that we'd be together forever, despite all the drama surrounding every corner and crevice in your life. To me at the time, it was worth it.

But now that I look back...I realize that for ME personally, I would have been settling. That is not something I want to do when it comes to a mate. I only plan on being married once, and divorce or separation will never be an option for me.

Now I reaize we fell in love way too fast. We spent too much time together. The thing that hurts the most is (during the last few months of our relationship) you couldn't even act like you were happy to be with me or be around me or talk to me. No matter how many times we fought and no matter what was said, there was never a doubt in my mind that I wanted to be with you. You could never show me the same back. You literally turned into a zombie. Only hanging out with me because it was your obligation as my boyfriend to do so.

Yea I'm not gonna lie, we said some (unforgiveable) things to each other...but when I was weak and let my anger take over, and I begged you to help calm me down and be there for me to help conquer my anger, all you did was feed fuel to the fire.

I understand the many things on your plate right now. There's no need to discuss what's going on because I know it is so hard for you. Compared to what you are going through, this is so petty. But you have your demons that are being put on the back burner because of the things going on. I want to get rid of my demons as soon as possible. So, as petty as it is to anybody, it is the most important thing to me right now.

Like I said before, the only problem I had was that you literally turned into a zombie the last 4 months. I feel like every tear I shed (because of you), every time I hurt emotionally (because of you), you never cared...no matter what you said.

I still care for you, to this day. In order for me to strengthen myself though, we need to separate (you already know this). As much as it hurts, I'll be thankful that we did, and that I am stronger because of it. I need a change. I need to independant, I need to grow. You have your things to work on too whether you admit it or not. But because you didn't have the drive to better yourself and work on your issues is why we fought so much. Because you were unwilling to show me responsibility and ambition and drive to better youself is what set me off and started the majority of our fights that eventually led to our break-up.

You can't live off handouts all your life. And I'm not going to be married to someone who cannot help support myself and my/our family. So, with all due respect...once I am independant and strong and okay with being single...I will be waiting for a real man to find me to spend the rest of my life with.

This is my goodbye letter to you. It will most likely never reach your eyes. But this is everything I've been wanting to vent and express how you made me feel during our time together.

If there is any attempt to be friends, it will be on your part, and after a very very long time of no contact. This is something we have been trying to do for the past month. But with recent events, it has been necessary for one to contact the other.

I don't know about you, but for me, it will still be a lot of time before I can fully go a day without thinking of you or contacting you. I do hate how things went down, but God wouldn't allow this to happen without a reason. There is a reason why God has put and taken away certain people in my life (and in your life as well). So this is a learning experience.

I wish you all the best in life, whether I am in it or not...
Love,
Nicole

A late night post.

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 08:15:59 GMT

I am single now.
Have been for ten days now.
Totally hating it.
There was a chance to get back together with Dustin, but I need to be able to be single and okay with it....
We decided to be friends, start from scratch..but before we can do that there must be that period of time where there is no contact.
Who do you go to when the person you've been going to for 13 months tells you they need space from you?
Therefore I am single....and hating it.

I'm sure i'll be okay.
I have made a few new guy friends.
This one guy, Kelton. Is amazing. Funny, smart, amazingly cute.
Except for this 'fro he likes to sport.
Depsite my wishes, he will NOT cut it.
Brat!
But he is just a friend, nothing more.

I need friends more than ever now.
I have had my crying and moping stage.
It is time for me to move on I guess.

I am starting a job at Cost Less (grocery store) in Oakdale.
I will be working ALL the time, therefore that will keep my busy enough to not think about Dustin.
But anytime I get any second to think to myself, he is right there.
I've become less dependant on my phone.
I no longer look at my phone every 30 seconds to see if his name shows up...

As much as it hurts now, i'll be thanking him for doing this to me and hurting me the way he did (when he told me to give him space, i mean)..in the end, it will make me stronger and less dependant on him.

He'll regret it, but me? I'll only come out better because of this hurting feeling inside of me.

I don't care justa what you think.

Sun, 02 Nov 2008 06:56:20 GMT

Is it bad I've stopped trying to care about when something happens in my romantic relationship?
Is it bad that in the past year I've been turned off to being married or having kids?

Dating someone with a child is tough enough. And I still want marriage but I feel like..maybe not with this one.
I've had three boyfriends in the past 4 years. That's pretty sad.

I just want stability. I knew what I was getting into when I got into it, but I honestly didn't think it would turn out the way it has been unfolded.

I think we fell in love too quick. Now the honeymoon's over and we are seeing true sides to each other. We are too comfortable around each other therefore nothing gets held back. Unthinkable, unforgiveable things get said.

Certain situations that i've swept under the rug have finally reached a point where I must address him for it. I feel as though there's no ambition for him. No motivation to better his, his son's lives. He's fine with receiving handouts and always counting on someone else to "bail" him out.

And I can't have that. I need someone who can support and wants to work towards giving him and his family the best life possible.

I just can't have this.

I CAN'T GO ON.

Mon, 27 Oct 2008 08:16:27 GMT

I can't go on
Deflate the air from both
Of my lungs
Fears one by one
Followed me home
And became reality
I'm a failure
I'm a freak
I'm a chip on your shoulder
The last thing you need
Shudder, earth quakes at the thought
Of a life that's meaningless
And with such a promising past
But you can always count on me
To choke the end

I can't go on
Deflate the air
From both
Of my lungs
I'll be gone
Long before daylight shows its face

Honestly i'm
Taking big strides
In a race towards normalcy
Where more is more
And less is weak
Where love is crap, emotion speaks
For us all
What's really right
Who's who to say
I can survive alone again
Figured that out the hardest way
The forecast calls for fire
Flames sound nice today

I can't go on
Deflate the air from both
Of my lungs
Ill be gone
Long before daylight shows its face
It's old and worn
And it's mouth smiles no more
Well i'm worth my weight in potting soil
Maybe i try to hard to care

I left a note on your bed
I don't recall what it said
It's something like
"i'm completely miserable
And i'm better off dead"

I can't go on
Deflate the air from both
Of my lungs
Ill be gone
Long before daylight shows its face
It's old and worn
And it's mouth smiles no more
Well i'm worth my weight in potting soil
Maybe i try to hard to care

I can't go on
Deflate the air from both
Of my lungs

I can't go on
Deflate the air from both
Of my lungs

I can't go on

-Bayside

Intervention.

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 18:41:38 GMT

Last night, I got into a horrible altercation with Dustin, my boyfriend.
It was the most retarded argument I have ever been in.
And I started it.

What's worse is that because of this altercation, I have yet again, been pushed away by someone I love.
I didn't sleep well last night.
Last night, I prayed to God and asked me where to go from here. I've always heard people talk about how they "hear" God's voice. I prayed for God to let me hear his voice like others do. I wanted to be one of those people that can tell others, "I prayed and God 'spoke' to me".

Well he did. Not in that big manly voice like on tv. He spoke through a person. My mom.
She came to me and suggested that I try and speak to one of our church members about my 'problem' with anger...and possibly going to their "Celebrate Recovery" program.

I saw it coming. I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol. I knew I had an underlying anger problem. I've always pushed it away and blame it on other people. The program does more than help addicts. It helps people dealing with grief, anger, control issues..etc...

My dad used to say "if people weren't so stupid then I wouldn't react he way I do and I wouldn't have an anger problem." That used to be my philosophy too. I used to blame my actions on other's stupid comments or others retarded actions.

During my "intervention" with my mom as I like to call it, I couldn't even look her in the eye. I was so upset at her. She kept using phrases like "the first step is admitting there's a problem.", or "take it one step at a time".

She was talking to me like I was a horrible addict. Then I finally realized that maybe I am close to it. I have an anger issue and I need to fix it.

So, I prayed to God, and he 'spoke' to me. And I'm going to listen.

EFFING CHOKE ON THIS.

Sat, 11 Oct 2008 05:23:38 GMT

Half smoked cigarettes and you're the trash that infests my sheets
can't make a wife out of a whore, don't want your skin on me
And you're, you're addicted to the drug of lust
A de-tox in the cold sweat of shame
and I love your pain

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on a dusty shelf

So this love's been worn down, like songs on a tape
The sex has lost all of its fun, like gum loses taste
And you're, you're addicted to the drug of lust,
A de-tox in the cold sweat of shame
and I love your pain

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf

I'm here lying in your bed babe
Remember what you said to me
"You can be my james dean, I'll be your sweet queen"
I said that you were my first, but you weren't even close now
Like a frame in a movie, you're just one of many
Can you grant me one last wish
Play russian roulette as we kiss
I'll be your cheap novelty
Blow your brains out on me

I gave you these roses now but I left in the thorns
I'd rather hurt someone than hurt myself
I'll dispose of you like a lighter out of fuel
I'll lose you somewhere on the shelf

-Senses Fail

Okay guys..

Thu, 09 Oct 2008 20:57:07 GMT

So, I'm finally working.
Desperate times call for desperate measure.
I'm at Main Street Market, once again. I could not go on my 8th week of unemployment.
I honestly couldn't.

But that place has been good to me. They welcome me with open arms.

I'm obsessed with the Run Fat Boy Run soundtrack. (go see the movie, so cute)
And The Strokes.

All time low.

Sun, 14 Sep 2008 18:04:23 GMT

I've been without a job for three weeks now. I've been okay with it, looking for jobs and putting a lockdown on my bank account and not spending practically ANYTHING.

But yesterday I opened up my mail and saw that not only was I "not eligible" for unemployment but Health Net insurance was not going to cover me.

I was pissed. Absolutly pissed. If they weren't closed I would have ripped both places a new one. Because of the way I left my job, they are saying I "ridiculed" my employer, (which is crap!) therefore making me not eligible for my unemployment benefits.

So, I applied to another insurance company, and I could file an appeal for unemployments decision, but I'd have to go to court. I really don't want to. And no matter how hard I fight it, I'm not going to get my unemployment anyways. So I've given up on that pretty much.

I'm stuck. I've been activly looking, dropping off resumes, had interviews...nobody seems to want to hire me. My only alternative is to go back to Main Street Market to hold me over. They'd take me in a heartbeat, but do I really want to go down that road again?!

Oh, and I have jury duty this month, for the THIRD time this year. Don't even get me stared on why thats happened!!

This month is hell. I'm finding it so hard to put all my faith in God and trust him. It seems like whenever I pray for something the exact opposite happens. I know it's His will and His timing, but I sure hope God understands that I can't be without a job for much longer, so I'm hoping that his timing for me to be employed again really happens fast.

Ack!

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 08:33:18 GMT

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I remember as a sophomore we took one of those aptitude tests to see what our strengths are and what we would be best at. I honestly don't remember how I scored. The one thing I remember is I had no idea what I wanted to be. And as a sophomore in high school still wondering that, it scared me so much.

I know I wasn't the only kid that thought that. But now I'm 21. I still don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Yea, I know my strengths and weaknesses. I'm not a genius, but I work a mean computer and have great reception and computger skills. But do I want to be at a desk for the rest of my life?

The thought of going back to school has weighed heavily on my mind. I want to go back, but I can't afford it, nor do I qualify for financial aid or any of that.

As I looked through classes at MJC I rally wanted to get into something that they offered, But nothing stuck out to me and made me think "Huh I'd like to try doing that for the rest of my life."

I have a lot of soul searching to do. I have no clue where to even start.

Fri, 25 Jul 2008 02:18:45 GMT

So here I am, at work. I'm pulling a 12 hour day.
I'm tired, hungry, and just plain sick of this place.
I've been here since 8:00am, and I'm grouchy.

But a little update:
I turned 21 last Thursday. Being 21 is no more exciting than being 20, or 19, or even 18. So I can legally drink, whoop dee doo.
I didn't even get carded any time I went out.

But God has been good to me and my family. That is all that matters.
My sister, Angela, is pregnant. Has been since January. I am just not remembering to jot this down and update.

She is due on 10-23-08, my parents' wedding anniversary and my boyfriend's birthday. Quite a coincidence.
She is having a boy, and she is stuck on the name "Kalum Alexander" (Shaffer being the last name)
Pronounced KAY-lum. I know, don't ask me where she got that name.

But really most of my time and effort and down time at work has been dedicated to browsing for ideas, and shopping online for her gifts and party favors.

Is it 8:00pm yet? I'm so ready to be home.

*ThIs Is A sToRy..*